Pheromones Boost Attention

Women, and men for that matter, don't want someone who tries to make himself the center of attention. Sure, we may be entertained by that person for a while but ultimately we're most attracted to individuals who can make the moment between us the center of attention. Women don't want you to hog the spotlight. Rather, they want to share it to create an intimate experience where times flies, and you just have the best time talking about nothing in particular with cheap pheromones. They don't want someone stressed over making everything perfect for her. What they want is someone enjoying their company just as much as they are enjoying your natural pheromones.

The best model for this is a child listening to a good storyteller. That kid isn't trying to think of what he can say to make the storyteller laugh, and he isn't trying to think of the best reply to the story. His only goal is to enjoy the story. He's listening so intently that when the storyteller mentions the creaking at the end of the dark hallway the child begins to tremble. When the storyteller raises his arms and screams to announce the monster's surprising appearance, the child nearly jumps out of his seat. As any performer will tell you, you can't ask for a better audience than one who reacts emotionally like that, and there's no audience member who enjoys the show more.

I call this child-like form of listening “emotional listening” -- listening so completely that your first reaction is simply the expression of the emotion raised in the moment. When a woman is talking about her dog that died when she was a kid, you should look and feel as though your dog just died that second. When you find out that it's her friend's birthday, you should look and feel as though it's your birthday. When she tells you about a recent accomplishment, you should look and feel like you just accomplished the goal you're currently working to achieve.

Again, you can't fake it. If you start to creep into your head to think, "ok, she's telling a sad story, I should make my face look sad" she'll feel the disconnect, figure out your agenda, and immediately pull back herself. If you start to worry that your first reaction isn't the best one and instead try to craft the perfect response you'll find that her walls will fly up just as quickly. Learn more at and

Also, when you stop worrying about what to say, take that pressure off yourself, and just listen like a child, you’ll find you are enjoying these interactions the way you always wanted to in the first place. That's really the biggest difference between a man who stands out and one who gets tossed back with the majority: are you in the moment, genuinely enjoying the company of the people around you or are you worried about what you should say? People feel great around the first person and nervous around the second.

Tony was equating listening and empathizing with dry, boring conversations. Instead, when you stop worrying and start making your top priority enjoying the other person's company you're helping to create the kind of interactions we never forget. Flirting happens when we allow ourselves to enjoy the sexual feelings that often arise when we hold space for them when interacting with others. Finding the other person boring? Most people are interesting two levels under the surface -- it's up to you to find out what that buried treasure is. If she’s interested in sharing, feeling your genuine interest without agenda and the space you leave for both of your feelings will be what inspires her to open up.

As someone else is speaking, if you're listening attentively and holding space for whatever thoughts and emotions pop up your possible responses will be as numerous as the stars -- completely different from anyone else she’ll ever meet. Because this reaction isn't twisted through some nervous thought process, but rather a genuine reaction to the moment, it will always be the most attractive thing you can say or do at the time.

Just like my second impulse in the hostel in Amsterdam, we're trying to make it about ourselves (“Look at how funny, clever, and charming I can be!”) Women don't want to be won over. Aside from making her wonder why you're trying so hard -- as if you need to desperately prove that you're good enough for her -- it makes her wonder why you think that whatever you have to say is more important than what she has to say.


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