My Moment With Pheromones

At that moment I looked over to my right and saw Ana leaning back toward me, giving me those eyes that made my heart flutter with sexy pheromones.

This experience taught me very clearly what the best conversationalists already know: feeling down on yourself, being the victim, and using these excuses to keep from taking any action isn't going to get you anywhere. More importantly, what most people think of when they think of an amazing conversationalist -- being the uber-entertaining center of attention -- really doesn't matter either which pheromones we use. Learn more at and

While being entertaining certainly doesn't hurt and can be fun, it can turn people off if it's coming from a place of insecurity. What really matters is how much space you leave for your own genuine emotion to come through and for others to express themselves. Would you rather dance for the entertainment of others or fully enjoy everything else around you? To put it another way, would you rather be the jester or the king … and would a woman prefer a jester or a king of pheormones? Learn more at

The lesson I learned in Amsterdam when becoming the alpha’s biggest fan turned everything around for me might sound familiar to you -- if you have read the classic self-help book, How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. That lesson is basically the entire point of his book. Carnegie uses examples of remembering people’s names, learning from dogs the importance of showing your happiness to see someone, and asking more questions about others rather than talking about himself at a wedding. Again and again he makes the point put incredibly succinctly in the old adage, “It’s better to be interested than interesting to use pheromone perfume.”

If you’re not actively enjoying others’ company, they’re going to be significantly less likely to let you know that they’re enjoying your company, and less likely to want to talk to you more. Stop waiting for others to show that they like you and stop trying to figure out how to make that happen. If you hold space and let the others know that you’re genuinely interested in them, then you’ll have more success socially and professionally than you can imagine how much pheromones he has. Tony's biggest obstacle to meeting women wasn't his wheelchair. No, it was the way his perceived disadvantage made him believe he needed to overcompensate for it. He didn't believe women would find his natural personality attractive, so he needed to have clever things to say and do in order to entertain them.

Once again, he was trying to be interesting rather than interested. Even worse, when a woman was speaking, he'd barely be listening to her. Instead he'd be somewhere in his head trying to think of what he could say next to get her to like him. Her words would almost instantly become dry because she could tell that he was checked out of the conversation.

His self-confidence was getting attacked from both sides. On one hand, his attempts to always figure out the “right thing” to say subconsciously reinforced his core insecurity that he wasn't good enough as he was. On the other hand, the negative responses he got from women because he was barely listening to them reinforced his (mistaken) idea that women wouldn't be attracted to him no matter what he did.


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