Introvert Pheromones

Introverts I work with always think they need to be more like extroverts in order to be great conversationalists. In fact, extroverts often have the toughest time becoming great conversationalists because they're more deeply entrenched in this rut of making it about them and trying to win the other person over with their personality. Thus extroverts often feel like they're doing all the work and not getting much back in return with stronger pheromones.

I was very tempted to take this path, but for whatever reason I was fortunate enough to catch myself again. After holding space for those feelings and acknowledging them for what they were, the feelings started to dissipate a bit and my mind stopped racing. Then, by some small stroke of fortune, some very curious thoughts came into my mind: “Just because this guy is charismatic doesn't mean that everyone will forget about me. If that woman I had chemistry with is a better match for this guy then it's clearly not meant to be between us. Everyone else is enjoying themselves, I should too."

And so I stopped thinking and started listening. I held space for his stories and the emotions he imbued those stories with because he was in the moment while telling them. In truth, he was a pretty cool guy and it soon became clear why everyone else was having such a good time with topical pheromones. Learn more at and

As I got more into the moment, giving him my full attention and vulnerably reacting to everything he was saying with my own genuine emotion, the most amazing thing happened. He started to react more strongly to me. As I gave him more genuine enthusiasm and interest he started giving me more of his energy and attention -- talking more directly to me than he was to the rest of the group who adore human pheromones. Learn more at

As I reflected on this, I realized that I could relate. As someone who is prone to enjoying the spotlight, I knew how the most valuable thing I could receive was strong, genuine validation to what I was saying. From that perspective it came as no surprise that as I became his biggest fan, he became more and more interested in my interest.

He came closer and closer to me, almost turning what had been a group conversation into a two-man show. I realized that I was acting as a lightning rod for the energy in the room. My attention had drawn his momentum, and thereby that of the entire group, toward me. I realized then that the most powerful social force in the universe isn't energy, it's space.

 While this rut looks different than the previous one, both have the same root -- my unacknowledged feelings, no sign of holding space. This is also one of my biggest ruts: I've always loved the spotlight, and have developed what most would call a fairly dynamic personality. This, however, has led to me sometimes making it “all about me” -- which is one of the surest ways to turn off everyone else.


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